The SpiderMan Oath
by Steve61
Summary: Jerry dates a woman that wants to see the new 'Spider-Man' movie, Kramer decides to address everyone with a nickname instead of their given names, and George is acting unusually guilty about something.


INTERIOR SHOT - COMEDY CLUB

Jerry does his stand-up act:

Jerry: I think we take for granted the origins of all those superheroes out there, and just accept them for who they are without really thinking about what the creators were thinking when they invented them, other than the basis was to intimidate or strike fear in dastardly criminals. Now, obviously, Superman says it all; he's super, you're not. You're just a man, but he's *super*! Batman; oooo! Bats! Scary flying rodents with sharp teeth that'll bite you and suck your blood! The Flash; the fastest man alive. So fast that he'll disarm you and throw you in jail...*in a flash!* Captain Marvel; he's got you twice! He's a captain, so he outranks you, and he's marvelous! Which brings me to Green Lantern. Green. Lantern. Seriously? What were they thinking when they invented the original in the 1940's? 'So Bill, I've created a new superhero.' 'That's great, Tom, tell me about him.' 'Well, he fights criminals with a magic ring that he recharges with a magic lantern.' 'Oookay, Tom. So what's his name?' 'The Green Lantern!' ''The Green Lantern'? Why not the Green Ring?' 'Because he only uses the ring to fight crime. The lantern is his source of power! ' 'Uh-huh, but that's like calling Superman 'Yellow Sun' because the sun gives him his superpowers. And why is he green? Is he an unripe superhero?' 'Nonono, that's just one of the colors of his costume. He has a red shirt, green pants and cape...'' 'He's not all-green?' 'No, he wears green, red, black, and yellow in his costume.' 'Then shouldn't he be the Rainbow Lantern? He already seems a bit of a sissy as the first superhero to wear jewelry on the job!'"

* * *

EXTERIOR SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING.

CAPTION: May, 2001

INTERIOR SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT.

Jerry enters, lugging a suitcase with him. He tosses his keys behind his back onto his dining table, except they don't land on it. They hit a surface with a wet 'glomp!' sound, prompting him to see what happened to them. Jerry sighs with exasperation as he sees that his table has been replaced by a small child's inflatable pool, with water in it. His chairs are still there, though. He sighs and picks his wet keys out of the pool, shakes them dry, and sets them on his desk near his computer.

He notices he has messages, so he plays them back.

Newman (voice-over and somewhat disguised): Helloooo? This is the Federal Food and Drug Commission. We were just wondering if your refrigerator is running? Because if it is, you better run outside to catch it!"

Jerry rolls his eyes, plays the next message.

Frank Costanza (voice-over); This...is Frank Costanza. I see that you're using one of those electroniiiiiic replay mechanisms. I was hoping that I could get you to tape tonight's PBS 3-hour special on toads for me, since Estelle and I are going out with her friend the podiatrist, but since you're not there--"

Estelle Costanza (voice-over in the background): Why're you telling him what Gretchen does for a living?! He doesn't care that she's a podiatrist!

Frank Costanza (voice over): What the hell does it matter to you?! I'm just stating a fact! I'm a man of facts!

Estelle Costanza (voice-over in the background): He *doesn't* need to know every detail of our night, does he?!

Frank Costanza (voice-over): I like facts! I live for facts! In fact, Jerry, this will be the first time I've missed my science programme since February 23rd 1998! Now, thanks to Gretchen K. Burrows I'm missing--"

Estelle Costanza (voice-over in background): NOW YOU'RE TELLING HIM WHAT HER FULL NAME IS?! WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM HER BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?!

Frank Costanza (voice-over): HEY, ALL I GAVE HIM WAS HER MIDDLE INITIAL---!!!

Jerry shakes his end and fast forwards to the next message.

Paula (voice-over): Hi, Jerry, it's Paula! Hope you had a good flight and a nice trip to Toronto for your stand-up act. Call me when you get back and we'll get together. Bye-bye.

Jerry: Buh-bye!

Jerry smiles at the prospect of seeing his new girlfriend, Paula, and fast forwards to the next message.

Newman (voice-over and with another silly voice): Hellooooo? Is Mister Seinveld there? Nooo? Oooh, sorry, Mister Seinfleld, because this is Super-Rock 98.9, and we were calling you, Mister Seintheld, to tell you that you just won our daily jackpot of $125,000! But since you're not there, Mister Seinzeld, you looose! Hahaha! Byyyye!

Jerry shakes his head, unconvinced, and plays the next message.

Kramer: Oh, hey, Buddy-Boy, we're all down at Monk's, waiting for you! Free lunch, Jer-Jer, if you can giddy-up and down here by 2 pm! Snuggle-Puss and Four-Eyes are here with me! See ya there! Oh, and I had to borrow your table, but I gotcha covered! Seeya soon!

There are no more messages, so Jerry checks his watch and sees that it's nearly 2 pm. He takes a couple steps and finds himself in 5 inches of water, soaking his sneakers. Exasperated, he steps out of the child's pool and leaves, his shoes making 'squitch-squitch!' sounds.

INTERIOR MONK'S CAFE

George, Kramer, and Elaine are eating at their normal booth when Jerry enters moments later, doing a Kramer-move by dashing inside quickly and coming to an abrupt stop to make it look casual, then approaches his friends making the same 'squitch-squitch' noise. Elaine is sitting on one side with an available spot, while Kramer and George sit side by side. He stops in front of Kramer, and sets a foot beside him on his seat. Kramer's about to say 'hello', but fidgets as his seat starts to get wet.

Kramer: Hey! What the--?!

Elaine: Hi, Jer!

George (checking his watch): Hah! Told you he'd make it in time! You owe me a tuna-on- toast, Kramer!

Jerry: Hello, everyone. Kramer...got anything to say?

Kramer: Yeah, you're soaking my gabardines! Put your foot down, Kemosahbee!

Jerry sits down on the other side of the table beside Elaine.

Jerry: What the hell's going on?! Where' my table? What's a pool doing in the middle of my dining room?

George: They've got a pool in your building now?!

Jerry; A kid's inflatable pool...where my table should be.

George: Oh. Cuz if your building had a pool--

Jerry: No pool! A fake pool! A kiddie pool!

Kramer: I thought you'd like something there instead of the big empty space where your table used to be! I didn't think you'd be dumb enough to soak your feet with your shoes on!

Jerry: Kramer, *where's my table?!*

Kramer: Oh, uh, I loaned it to El Brethario for a poker game with his buddies.

Jerry: Whooo?!

Kramer: Well, um, Newman.

Elaine (looking under the table): Hey, I think you've sprung a leak down there! You're getting my shoes all wet!

Jerry: Newman has my table?! Why?! And why're you calling him 'El Brethario'?

Elaine: Kramer's decided to give everyone he knows nicknames. Newman is 'El Brethario,'you're 'Kemosahbee', George is 'Four-Eyes'--

George: Not liking it!

Elaine: And I'm Foxy-Lady!

Jerry: How about 'Shmoopie'?

George: No-no-no! No 'Shmoopie'! No way! And why does she get a nice nickname, huh?! Why would you call me 'Four-Eyes'?! That's so insulting?

Kramer: Oh, okay, sorry, Moo-Cha-Cha. I thought you could take it.

George: 'Moo-Cha-Cha'? What am I? A dancing cow?

Jerry: Why would you give Newman my table, Kramer? You know how I feel about being in his apartment, let alone my belongings!

Kramer: Well, he stood on his own table to hang some stuffed squirrels and broke his own dining table the night of the big game! What else could I do?

Jerry: I guess it's okay. Did you clean up at his poker game?

Kramer: Didn't go. Buncha losers over there.

Elaine: So Jerry, how was Toronto?

Jerry: Good shows, nice people. In fact, I'm planning to go back in a couple months.

Kramer: Careful, Chuckles; you know how our building feels about using Canadian quarters in the washing machines!

Jerry: 'Chuckles'?

Kramer (shrugging): It's a process. I haven't settled on any one's permanent nicknames, yet. Except for you, ChIcky-Babe!

Elaine smiles and blushes, while George frowns.

Jerry: And get this, they have a donut chain there that has a promotion to sell more coffee! You roll up the rim and see what you've won.

George (looking at his coffee cup): The rim of what?

Jerry: The coffee cup, the paper ones. You can win money, cars, trips.

Elaine (excitedly): What did you win?

Jerry: Nothin'. Every one I bought just said 'play again'.

George: How many times did you play?

Jerry: 23 times.

Elaine: 23 coffees, and you didn't win a thing?

Jerry (shaking his head, disappointed): Uh-uh. Other than a distressed bladder.

George (sarcastically): Yeah, I'm burning rubber to try that contest!

Jerry (claps his hands, reaches for a menu): Well, since I've been awake for 57 hours straight thanks to being all hopped up on Canadian caffeine, you can imagine how much I'm looking forward to my *free* lunch!

Kramer (making as 'Vrrrr-ot!' sound and raising a hand): "Sorry, Joke-Boy, but that was a limited-time offer! You were supposed to be here at 2 and by my fake Rolex, I see that it's now...2:04 pm

Jerry: But I was here at 2! You kept me talking until it was after 2!

Kramer: Well, maybe if you didn't take a swim first, you might have shown up earlier, right, Web-Head?

George (looking nervous and guilty): What? Uh, no, it's not fair. I checked my watch, remember? He made it just in time.

Elaine: You can have my pickle?

Jerry: I don't wanna pickle! I wanna a pickle enveloped by a slice of ground beef, ketchup, mustard, and a fluffy bun!

Kramer: What do you mean it's not fair? We told him when to show up here and he didn't. What could be easier to understand, Costanza?

George (panicking): Right! Alright! I'm outta here! Gotta get going! Bye-bye! Bye-byyyye!

George shoves Kramer again and again, pushing him off the seat they're sharing, until Kramer lands in a heap on the floor, utterly confused. George practically runs out of Monk's.

Elaine: What was his problem? I like the nicknames!

EXTERIOR SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING

INTERIOR SHOT OF A HALLWAY IN JERRY'S BUILDING

Jerry approaches a different apartment, his wet running shoes still making a 'squitch-squitch' sound as he walks. He pounds on a door, waits for it to open, which is does moments later.

Jerry: Hellooo...Newman.

Newman: Hello, Jerry. Lost any...heh-heh...radio station contests lately?

Jerry: Yeah, I'm crying. Look, I'm just here to get my dining table back.

Newman (grinning mischievously): Ooooh, I'm sorry! But your table doesn't seem to be here at the moment!

Jerry: What're you talking about?! It didn't just get up and leave by itself?

Newman: How do you know? It has four legs, after all!

Jerry: That's true...But what's going on? Kramer loaned it to you while I was gone!

Newman: And it was such a bad luck piece of furniture for me that I loaned it to some shut-ins at the Prentis Home For The Elderly for their weekly game of Pinochle! You wouldn't want to upset the elderly, would you, Jerry?

Jerry (frustrated): No, I suppose not. At least my table prevented you from playing well! So, where's this 'Prentis Home'?"

Newman: "I believe it's just off Clover Leaf Lakes and Highway 50.

Jerry: Clover Leaf Lakes and Highway 50?! But that's--!

Newman (laughing mischievously) Jersey! Have a nice trip! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

Newman slams the door in Jerry's face, and Jerry begins to pound on it again.

Jerry: Newman! Newman, open up! I want my table back!

An elderly couple walk by, giving him disparaging looks.

Jerry: Yeah, like you guys never sent your furniture on a vacation, yourselves!

They keep walking, shaking their heads.

EXTERIOR SHOT PAULA'S APARTMENT BUILDING

INTERIOR SHOT PAULA'S APARTMENT

Paula answers her door, and Jerry enters, offering her flowers.

Paula: Hi, Jerry! Oh, thank you, but no.

Jerry: Hi--what-what?

Paula: Those are *really* ugly flowers! But, thanks anyway!

Jerry (momentarily at a loss for words): But...I thought you liked flowers?

Paula: I do.

Jerry: I know! You insisted I bring some on our next date! So, here they are!

Paula (shaking her head, and making a sour face): Mmmm, no. Not those kind. But, don't worry. I won't hold it against you!

Jerry (under his breath): Can't say the same for me.

Paula: What was that?

Jerry: Uh, next time I'll bring you some...cansaysommeree!

Paula: Pardon?

Jerry: 'Cansaysommeree'; a rare botanical gem found only along the Jersey turnpike...near Clover Leaf Lakes. Quite lovely, I hear.

Paula; Great. I'll look forward to seeing them when you take me out again.

Jerry: Riiight. So have you decided what movie you want to see?

Paula: Absolutely! You've been on the road for a week, and I hate first-run weeks anyway because of the crowds, so I've decided that we'll see 'Spider-Man'!"

Jerry makes a face, like he'd just swallowed something bitter. He grimaces, becomes tense, and shakes his head rapidly, the way he did when he didn't want to sample Poppy's sloppy cooking.

Paula: Jerry, I *want* to see 'Spider-Man'!

Jerry keeps shaking his head.

Paula: It's still number one this week, and it's getting terrific reviews, so it *must* be really good!

Jerry keeps shaking his head, now looking like a little boy about to go to the dentist.

Paula: All my friends loved it! It's earned 114 million dollars in its first week, 71 million in it's second--

Jerry: In all fairness to the Spider-guy and his high school crush, Superman and Lois Lane have them beat by light years! C'mon, the classic hero-that-can-never-tell-the-woman-he-loves-he's-an-alien-from-another-planet-superhero storyline! It's been going on since the 1930's, and was exemplified in the classic 1978 epic starring Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder!

Paula: Eh. I didn't think she was so great. Superman could have done better!

Jerry (aghast): Better?! How?! She was perfect, perfect I tell you! She was cute but not some Hollywood blond bimbo! She was real, real as Clark's love for Lois! Who wants to see a couple awkward teenagers making out upside down? I've been a teenager, and I can tell you now that I *never* got an upside-down kiss like he does in those trailers!

Paula: And I suppose it was more classy for Superman to kiss Lois in her car after she'd been killed in that earthquake?

Jerry: She was still alive! She was unconscious and *near* death! That's why he went back in time to save her, while she was still alive!

Paula: I don't think so. I think she'd been deceased for about 5 minutes before he found her.

Jerry: No-no-no! She was alive, alive, I tell you! Look, if that's how you feel, then I think we should call it quits right here.

Paula: You're breaking up with me?! Because of a 24-year old movie?!

Jerry: That's right, sister! You and your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man will have to get your prettier flowers from somewhere else!

Jerry leaves in a huff, leaving Paula speechless.

EXTERIOR SHOT JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING

INTERIOR SHOT JERRY'S APARTMENT

Jerry's pacing back and forth, still upset about last night, while Elaine helps herself to something from the cupboard.

Jerry: Upside-down kiss indeed! And in the rain, too! Without his mask on, he was practically drowning!

Elaine: Another one bites the dust. Got any Triscuits?

Jerry: No. Elaine, it's a matter of principal. I'm a Superman guy! I can't be seen in a theater watching my mortal competition! I'm a DC guy through and through, not a Marvel meathead!

Elaine: Any crackers of any kind? Wheat Thins?

Jerry: Nope.

Elaine: Got any Oreos?

Jerry: Nada.

Elaine (checking the fridge) : Aren't you tired of that movie yet? You've already seen it 50 times already-- three times with me, while we were dating. Got any chunky peanut butter?

Jerry: 61 times, Elaine, and no, I have only just begun to bask in its perfection!. Elaine, you obviously don't understand the comic book fandom.

Elaine: Got that right, Nerd-Man! You know 'Spider-man is still number one after nearly 3 weeks? It grossed $114 million in its first week, 71 million--

Jerry: Yeah-yeah, I know it's gross!

Elaine (slamming the fridge door shut): Ya got nothing I want to eat here, Jerome. Guess I gotta do without.

Jerry: Yeah? Try to telepathically transmit that to Kramer some time, will you?

As if my magic, Kramer barges into the apartment, doing a spin, and a bow in one awkward motion.

Kramer: Hey-ho.

Jerry: Hi. Now look what you did.

Kramer: What?

Jerry: I was talking to Foxy-Lady.

Kramer: No-no. I changed my nickname for her. She's 'Foxy Delicious today!

Elaine (smiling and blushing again): Well! Thank you...Kramerific!

Jerry: Alright, alright! Don't you start! Pretty soon we'll forget every one's real names!

Kramer: Never gonna happen, Bradley.

Jerry: Ya see?!

Kramer (holding up a hand, making a 'Di-di-di!' sound, and pointing at Jerry): That wasn't a mistake. You *look* like a 'Bradley'!

Jerry: So sometimes you're going to call us by nicknames and other times by proper names, based on the improbable fact if you had you been our parent?

Kramer: That's about right, Bradley!

Jerry: Not liking it!

Elaine: So, Jerry broke up with his girlfriend because she likes Spidey more than Superman!

Kramer: Oh, hey, I hear that's a terrific movie! Hey, Stop-Sein, did you know it's grossed--

Jerry: Yeah-yeah! Millions and millions! If 'Superman' had been released with ticket prices this high, it would have made just as much! Even more!

Kramer: Well, don't you worry, Joke-arama! I took the Superman oath with you and I'm going to (making a 'Vrrrt!' sound, and holding up a hand at arm's length) snub that suckah!

Elaine: Oath?

Jerry: When word got out that they were making a Spider-Man movie, Kramer and George took an oath to respect my wishes and not ever watch it. In fact, that oath covers all Marvel-based movies past or future like 'X-Men', 'Daredevil', 'The Fantastic Four'...

Elaine: That is sooo stupid! You're dictating to them what movies they can or can't see?!

Kramer: Well, for me Funny McFunster here promised not to watch anything with clowns in it.

Elaine (unconvinced): Yeah, that's a fair trade. Anyways, what the difference; Marvel, DC, Archie comics-- it's all the same to me!

Kramer looks at her open-mouthed, then at Jerry, who's equally surprised.

Jerry: Girls! They just don't get it!

Elaine: So where's George? Or should I say, 'Magumbo'? Other than the coffee shop yesterday, I've hardly seen him the past two weeks.

Jerry: Yeah, he was helping his parents with cleaning up their house and backyard a few weeks ago and then I was on the road, so he's been a little M.I.A. recently.

Elaine: What? So unless you're around, he doesn't want to hang around me and Kramerlicious?

Jerry: Hey, I'm not my brother's keeper.

NIGHT TIME EXTERIOR SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING

INTERIOR SHOT OF JERRY'S APARTMENT

Jerry's door is open, and George strolls in, seemingly reluctant.

Jerry: Doctor Livingstone, I presume?

George: Don't tell me you're starting the nickname craze, too?!

Jerry: Sorry. Just been a while since I saw you, buddy! Have a seat, I gotta hit the can.

Jerry leaves and closes the bathroom door behind him. George closes the front door, pulls off his jacket and hangs it on a nearby hook, but stops suddenly. In front of him is the side of Jerry's fridge, and the large Superman sticker stuck to its side. George grimaces and looks away, nearly stepping in the small child's wadding pool behind the couch, where the table should be. He steps around it to approach the window to look outside, except that his attention is drawn to the 12-inch statue of Superman sitting atop Jerry's stereo. George begins to hear his own heartbeat, which gradually rises in tempo, so he goes back the way he came, and catches a glimpse of the Superman sticker on the fridge again. He runs over to the couch and sits down quickly, only to notice that he's sat on something. He pulls it out from under his bottom, only to discover the latest issue of 'Action Comics' starring Superman, in his hand. His heartbeat pounds like a machine gun.

George: GAAAHH!

Jerry jumps out, concerned and looking everywhere, but calms himself when he sees that George isn't hurt.

Jerry: What, what?

George: S'nothing. Sorry. I just saw a...a scary commercial on TV.

Jerry; The one with the lady that looks like your mother pitching sexy underwear?

George (embarrassed): Yeah. That's the one.

Jerry returns to the washroom to finish washing his hands, while George picks up the remote and begins to flip channels.

Tobey McGuire (voice-over): If anybody told you that I was just your average, ordinary guy without a care in the world...Somebody lied!

George fumbles with the remote, and changes the channel so it wouldn't look like he was watching the trailer for 'Spider-Man'

Woman (voice-over): Ladies, ya wanna look sexy at 66 like me?

George quickly changes the channel, while covering his eyes with his hand and looking away from the offensive commercial.

Man: Doitty-doity-doiii! I loooove noodles!

George changes the channel again.

Kenny Banya (voice-over): Watch me Thursday night at 9 pm for my fantastic NBC special, 'Gold! That's gold!'

George quickly changes the channel once more.

Cliff Robertson (voice-over): With great power comes great responsibility...

George fumbles with the remote, but it doesn't change the channel because of weak batteries. George slams the remote on his lap, then on the coffee table, but the channel doesn't change as the 'Spider-Man' trailer continues to play.

Rosemary Harris (voice-over): You do too much! You're not Superman, you know!

Finally, George goes frantic and throws the remote away, and out the window. He stares at it, just as Jerry exits the bathroom. George lunges for the TV, and shuts it off manually. Jerry stops in his tracks.

Jerry: I thought we were gonna just watch TV?

George: Eh. Nothing on. Wanna go down to the coffee shop?

Jerry (making a face): Obviously my story of 23 coffees went over your head. Nah, but I'm in the mood for a movie.

George: A-a-a m-movie? Are you sure that's a good idea, Jer?

Jerry: Sure, it'll be great! We'll get into something really easy, thanks to everyone and his monkey's uncle checking out the Spider-dude!

George: I haven't caved! Not caving in! I took the oath!

Jerry: I know, Biff. I trust you. C'mon, let's head out.

George: Okay, okay. But you know I like 'Buck Naked' as a nickname over 'Biff'!

Jerry (closing his front door behind him): Yeah...like I'm gonna say that in public; Two tickets, please, one adult one naked adult!

EXTERIOR SHOT OF MOVIE THEATER

Lots of people milling about, several standing in line-ups.

Jerry (shaking his head): Look at all these nuts lined up for the Spider movie. And that's for the 9:15 showing that doesn't even begin for another 2 hours!

Man In Line-up: Actually, we're here for the 10:30 in Theater 3!

Jerry (smiling, making an 'L' shape with his thumb and finger up to his forehead, and saying under his breath): Looo-zer!

Man In Line-up: What was that?!

Jerry (pretending to comb his hair) : Excuse me, can I talk to my friend here? My friend, George C. Loozer?

George: Still not liking it!

They check out the box office and everything is sold out, except for one movie.

Jerry: 'About A Boy'?! Are you kidding me?!

Box Office Attendant: I can get you in the 10:30 'Spider--'"

Jerry: NO! GIMME TWO FOR 'ABOUT A BOY'!!!

George: Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Jerry (frustrated): It's a great idea! It's about a boy and we're boys!

George: Hugh Grant and Rachel Weisz in a romantic comedy? Ugh. How the mighty have fallen.

Jerry: Yeah, well, If you'd shown up earlier we might have been able to get into 'The Scorpion King' or 'Panic Room'. Or 'Prognosis Negative; The Prequel'!

They enter the theater, with George looking decidedly uncomfortable.

INTERIOR SHOT OF THE THEATER

The theater isn't even half full, and those that are in attendance are men and women on dates. George is stuffing his face with popcorn quickly, nervously, while Jerry watches the movie. George's attention isn't on the screen, as he seems to be looking around for something or someone. Finally, he elbows the woman beside him, forcing her to spill her entire drink all over his jacket.

George: Oops! Sorry, sorry!

Woman: You did that on purpose!

George: The hell I did! It was just an accident!

Woman: I *saw* you reach and--

George: Yaday-yaday-yada, sorrysorrysorry. Look, Jer, you might as well watch the rest of the movie! I'm soaking here and there's no reason for you to lose your money!

Jerry: What's the problem? Just put some water on it in the washroom and come back here.

George (standing): No, no, sorry. Look at this stain! This jacket isn't exactly made of gortex, you know! It'll set and when we go back outside it'll be too cold to wear...

Jerry: It's May. It's nice out. Fine, Fine! Go, and do your laundry in the theater! I'll see you tomorrow.

George: Thanks! Thanks, Jer! Sorry to mess your night up!

Jerry: Hugh Grant's already beaten you to it!

Jerry notices the woman that was beside George is looking at him with a smile, and clearly watching the movie by herself.

INTERIOR SHOT OF THEATER NEAR THE CONCESSION STANDS

A crowd is exiting the theater playing 'About A Boy', and Jerry appears, joined by the woman that George used to spill his drink. They're laughing and acting like a couple.

Woman: I never thought of that! Margot Kidder *would* have been better in 'About A Boy' than Rachel Wiesz!

Jerry: She's versatile! A versatile actress!

Woman: Mm-hm? Maybe *I'll* show you just how versatile *I* am at my place!

George appears from an adjoining theater, a half-eaten bag of popcorn in his hand, unaware that he's walking towards Jerry and the woman. Jerry stares at him, and George finally notices him, his cheeks full of popcorn. Jerry stares at him, shakes his head, looks at the theater that George just exited from and back to his friend.

Jerry: George...you didn't...?

George (with his mouth full): Ith no lith thath!

Jerry: You did! That's the crowd that watched 'Spider-Man'!

George (with his mouth full, and swallowing quickly): Nooo! Ith fulluth popcornth fo 'Tha Thorpion Thing'!

Teenager In Crowd: That was so cool! The Green Goblin looked excellent!

Second Teenager In Crowd: I'm gonna buy all the action figures! That was the best superhero movie EVERRR!

Jerry stares hard at George, who appears ready to deny it, until he finishes swallowing.

George: "Alrighalrightalright! I caved! I'm sorry, Jerry, really! But it was getting such good reviews, and the commercials and trailers are frickin'-well playing all the time!

Jerry: I thought we had an oath!

George: What? Like our marriage hand-shake deal? Hah-HA! We all know what happened there!

The woman looks between the two of them, confused.

Jerry: Not to each other. To other women. It didn't work out. Much like our sacred Superman oath! I'm shocked, George, shocked. But...I suppose I'll get over it. You've stuck to it for almost 10 years.

George: Then we can see 'The Hulk' when it comes out next year?

Jerry: Don't push it, Moo-Cha-Cha!

People pass by them until Newman comes out, and smirks at the group.

Newman: Kinda obsessed these days, huh, Costanza?

Jerry: Who asked you, Newman?

Newman: Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. You have eyes, but you cannot see! You have friends, but they cannot resist! With great power comes great responsibility--

Jerry: Is this going anywhere, Newman?

Newman: I have a power and it's my responsibility to tell you that your old buddy, George, has seen 'Spider-Man' as many times as I have! This makes *five times*, doesn't it, Costanza! I've seen you in the crowd every time I've gone to see it!

Jerry: George?! Five times?!

Newman (laughing): Adios, amigos!

Jerry stares at George, dumbfounded. The woman leaves the two friends, annoyed that she's being ignored. George shrugs his shoulders, blushes, and stutters.

George: Just call me 'Can'tstandya'!

* * *

INTERIOR SHOT - COMEDY CLUB

Jerry does his closing stand-up act

Jerry: I sometimes wonder about the origin of names. Like when you see one of those vendors in the mall that can tell you your whole family's history just by your first or last name and what the origin of your name is. Like 'Jerry' is the derivative of 'Jerome' which comes from Greek, and is supposed to mean 'sacred name'. Supposedly, Saint Jerome lived in the 5th century, and the name 'Jerome' was around even in 12th century England. The name 'Stephen' supposedly means 'crown', and Leonard means 'brave as a lion'. We all have names that we acknowledge as normal names because of our ancestors. John, Mario, Jimmy, they all sound normal to us. So who decided back then what were 'normal' names and what were nicknames or insults? Centuries ago, did they experiment with names and slotted them into normal, nickname, or insult? Did a man living in the middle ages walk up to another and say, "Oh, hello, Dopey Davidson! Nice weather we're having!' And Dopey replies, 'It sure is, Fancy Pants! Hasn't rained since my cousin, Ferret-Face visited!' "Oh, I'm sorry I missed Ferret-Face! I wanted to introduce him to my sister, the Lady Pinhead Davidson!"

ROLL END CREDITS


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